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Archive for the ‘duh! journal’ Category

Dec-14-2008

from the pages of duh!journal: duh!journal mascot tres

i was thinking that we need a mascot for duh!journal….or a funny pages section….or at least one regular comic strip. most newspapers and magazines have at least one of these. even the new york times….on sundays….in their magazine is a weekly strip. so i scoured the earth and am going to post the sasquatch ads from jack links beef jerky.

here’s video # tres:

these videos communicate duh! because the humans in the videos mess with the monster known as sasquatch with disastrous results. you don’t mess around with monsters!! what makes it double duh! is that the dumb@$$e$ buy, consume and enjoy the product the commercials are selling giving the subtle subtext of dumb@$$e$ eat and like our beef jerky; we’re dummies! and you can be just like us! by eating our products!

sure you could look them up on google or youtube…..so what would be the point of watching them here?….but isn’t that the case with any video that’s posted? maybe you have found out about the videos here….will watch them elsewhere….and relive them here as i post them periodically.

and here’s the alternate ending version:

Posted under duh! journal, messin with sasquatch
Dec-3-2008

from the pages of duh!journal: economic “news”

duh!journal scours the earth for dumb behavior….some low brow…some high minded…all duh!

just in case you haven’t heard or didn’t know….check out the lead story on cnn.com under breaking news! wow! i didn’t know that!

It’s official: Recession since Dec. ’07

The National Bureau of Economic Research declares what most Americans already knew: the downturn has been going on for some time.

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) — The National Bureau of Economic Research said Monday that the U.S. has been in a recession since December 2007, making official what most Americans have already believed about the state of the economy .

The NBER is a private group of leading economists charged with dating the start and end of economic downturns. It typically takes a long time after the start of a recession to declare its start because of the need to look at final readings of various economic measures.

“The committee views the payroll employment measure, which is based on a large survey of employers, as the most reliable comprehensive estimate of employment,” said the group’s statement. “This series reached a peak in December 2007 and has declined every month since then.”

Employers have trimmed payrolls by 1.2 million jobs in the first 10 months of this year. On Friday, economists are predicting the government will report a loss of another 325,000 jobs for November.

The NBER also looks at real personal income, industrial production as well as wholesale and retail sales. All those measures reached a peak between November 2007 and June 2008, the NBER said.

In addition, the NBER also considers the gross domestic product, which is the reading most typically associated with a recession in the general public.

Many people erroneously believe that a recession is defined by two consecutive quarters of economic activity declining. That has yet to take place during this recession.

This downturn longer than most

The current recession is one of the longest downturns since the Great Depression of the 1930’s.

The last two recessions (1990-1991 and 2001) lasted eight months each, and only two of the 10 previous post-Depression downturns lasted as long as a full year, according to the NBER.

In a statement, White House Deputy Press Secretary Tony Fratto said that even though the recession is now official, it is more important to focus on the steps being taken to fix the economy.

“The most important things we can do for the economy right now are to return the financial and credit markets to normal, and to continue to make progress in housing, and that’s where we’ll continue to focus,” he said. “Addressing these areas will do the most right now to return the economy to growth and job creation.”  To top of page

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thanks, cnn! wow! who knew? i thought all this talk of bailouts, job loss, panic on black friday was just for fun! did we really need an “official” announcement?

i guess somebody did.

someone duh!

Posted under duh! journal

Nov-23-2008

from the pages of duh!journal: duh!journal mascot deux

i was thinking that we need a mascot for duh!journal….or a funny pages section….or at least one regular comic strip. most newspapers and magazines have at least one of these. even the new york times….on sundays….in their magazine is a weekly strip. so i scoured the earth and am going to post the sasquatch ads from jack links beef jerky.

here’s our second offering…the pickup:

these videos communicate duh! because the humans in the videos mess with the monster known as sasquatch with disastrous results. you don’t mess around with monsters!! what makes it double duh! is that the dumb@$$e$ buy, consume and enjoy the product the commercials are selling giving the subtle subtext of dumb@$$e$ eat and like our beef jerky; we’re dummies! and you can be just like us! by eating our products!

sure you could look them up on google or youtube…..so what would be the point of watching them here?….but isn’t that the case with any video that’s posted? maybe you have found out about the videos here….will watch them elsewhere….and relive them here as i post them periodically.

here’s the special internet only extended version of the pickup:

Posted under duh! journal, messin with sasquatch
Nov-7-2008

from the pages of duh!journal: taking god to court

duh!journal scours the earth for dumb behavior….some low brow…some high minded…all duh!

here’s a story with all kinds of dumb and snickering galore!

first the article and then my comments at the bottom..this is from my boy, norman and the bbcnews:

A US judge has thrown out a case against God, ruling that because the defendant has no address, legal papers cannot be served.

The suit was launched by Nebraska state senator Ernie Chambers, who said he might appeal against the ruling.

He sought a permanent injunction to prevent the “death, destruction and terrorisation” caused by God.

Judge Marlon Polk said in his ruling that a plaintiff must have access to the defendant for a case to proceed.

“Given that this court finds that there can never be service effectuated on the named defendant this action will be dismissed with prejudice,” Judge Polk wrote in his ruling.

Mr Chambers cannot refile the suit but may appeal.

‘God knows everything’

Mr Chambers sued God last year. He said God had threatened him and the people of Nebraska and had inflicted “widespread death, destruction and terrorisation of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants”.

He said he would carefully consider Judge Polk’s ruling before deciding whether to appeal.

The court, Mr Chambers said, had acknowledged the existence of God and “a consequence of that acknowledgement is a recognition of God’s omniscience”.

“Since God knows everything,” he reasoned, “God has notice of this lawsuit.”

Mr Chambers, a state senator for 38 years, said he filed the suit to make the point that “anyone can sue anyone else, even God”.

*********

this seems like an obvious waste of time.

why would you sue god unless you thought he was real? and if he were real, why would you sue him? it reminds me of the passage in the new testament where the armies of the world gather to fight god. and god dispatches them with a flick.

the alternative is of course is that there is no god. and if there is no god, why are you suing him? if there is no god*, why waste your precious moments suing the boogeyman? go get fios installed and get your porn on just like the rest of america who have nothing better to do.**

this guy would have better luck suing sasquatch. and that’s called irony, kids.

*the writer of this entry is not endorsing atheism….just making a point with humor.

**the write of this entry is not endorsing porn….just making a point with humor. but he is endorsing fios.

Posted under duh! journal
Nov-2-2008

from the pages of duh!journal: duh!journal mascot #1

i was thinking that we need a mascot for duh!journal….or a funny pages section….or at least one regular comic strip. most newspapers and magazines have at least one of these. even the new york times….on sundays….in their magazine is a weekly strip. also, i wanted to commemorate the closing/passing of my favorite strip of all time, opus. today its retiring again for the last time after incarnations as bloom county, outland and for the past few years simply as opus. boo!!!(hoo)….i will be following the creator, berkeley breathed in his other art forms.

so i scoured the earth and am going to post the sasquatch ads from jack links beef jerky. sure you could look them up on google or youtube…..so what would be the point of watching them here?….but isn’t that the case with any video that’s posted? maybe you have found out about the videos here….will watch them elsewhere….and relive them here as i post them periodically.

so video one….the shaving cream prank…..

these videos communicate duh! because the humans in the videos mess with the monster known as sasquatch with disastrous results. you don’t mess around with monsters!! what makes it double duh! is that the dumb@$$e$ buy, consume and enjoy the product the commercials are selling giving the subtle subtext of dumb@$$e$ eat and like our beef jerky; we’re dummies! and you can be just like us! by eating our products!

Posted under duh! journal, messin with sasquatch
Oct-28-2008

from the pages of duh!journal: isiah thomas is not a young black female

duh!journal scours the earth for dumb behavior….some low brow…some high minded…all duh!

i must admit that it gives me great pleasure in posting this story. isiah thomas, a former nba great with detroit, came to my city and destroyed the ny knicks franchise. this past week, a 911 call was made from his house in westchester…an accidental overdose by a 47 year old black unnamed male. btw, isiah is 47.

later, isiah denied any overdose and said the person who was taken to the hospital was his daughter….not him. the police are calling him a liar! as you read on, keep in mind that the thomas household is still denying the police’s version of the story.

from espn.com:

NEW YORK — A suburban police chief likened the conflicting accounts of an accidental overdose at Isiah Thomas’ home to a “cover-up” and rebuked the former New York Knicks coach Saturday for saying it was his teenage daughter who required treatment.

“It wasn’t his daughter,” Harrison Police Chief David Hall told The Associated Press. “And why they’re throwing her under the bus is beyond my ability to understand.”

Authorities were called early Friday to Thomas’ Westchester County home, where police said a 47-year-old man was taken to the hospital and treated for an overdose of sleeping pills. Several media outlets reported that police confirmed it was Thomas who went to the hospital.

But reached on his cell phone Friday, the 47-year-old NBA great told the New York Post he had not been treated for a sleeping pill overdose, and that it was 17-year-old daughter Lauren who had a medical issue.

It “wasn’t an overdose,” he told the newspaper. “My daughter is very down right now. None of us are OK.”

Hall forcefully refuted Thomas’ statement.

“My cops … know the difference between a 47-year-old black male and a young black female,” Hall said.

“These people should learn something from Richard Nixon — it’s not the crime, it’s the cover-up,” he added.

**********

from the nydailynews.com:

Hall said no suicide note was found, and police were classifying the case “as an accidental drug overdose.”

Early reports said emergency crews were called to treat a 47-year-old man, the same age as Thomas. Police sources later confirmed it was the NBA star.

Authorities also revealed Thomas had downed 10 Lunesta pills and lost consciousness by the time emergency workers arrived at his $4 million Westchester County home in the early hours of Friday morning.

But Thomas himself denied it was an overdose, adding that his daughter is “very down right now.”

Thomas’ son Joshua, 20, told the Daily News on Friday that the reports of sleeping pills were false and also said it was his sister, not his father, who needed medical attention.

Joshua lashed out at Hall for accusing his father of a coverup.

“Saying that someone is being thrown under the bus when you are talking about health issues is disrespectful,” the Indiana University student wrote in a text to The News.

“I love both my sister and dad and am glad that both are doing well. Thanks for all the support, but as a family we are fine and stronger than ever.”

The former Knicks coach remained out of the spotlight Saturday and did not return calls seeking an explanation for what really happened.

A Knicks spokesman refused to address Hall’s allegations, saying the club would stand by its original statement that claimed Thomas was dealing with a “family matter.”

Thomas has seen his reputation shattered in recent years for several losing seasons and a blockbuster sexual harassment suit against him and Madison Square Garden.

His handling of the reports of an overdose added further fuel to fans’ calls for him to step down.

“I wish him well healthwise but I wish he’d get out of New York,” said Skip Funt, 65, from Manhattan.

“I think he’s a disgrace to the Knicks because he can’t coach and he can’t manage. He’ll blame anybody just to make himself look good because that’s the kind of guy he is.”

“He was a good player in Detroit and I hated him as a general manager and a coach,” said transit worker Joe Boyce, 57, from Queens. “He’s got a lot of ghosts in his closet.”

**************

its another strange episode in the duh! life of isiah thomas!

Posted under duh! journal
Oct-19-2008

from the pages of duh!journal: i can’t remember how many concussions i’ve had!

duh!journal scours the earth for dumb behavior….some low brow…some high minded…all duh!

a concussion is a brain bruise. you have too many of them and you start blanking out and then you start blacking out and then you lose brain functions….and then death.

so this player for the denver broncos has had so many of them….he can’t remember how many….when asked for specifics, he said either 8 or 10.

should he keep playing? duh!but then again……

from the denver post:

Stokley has concussion “8 or 10”

Hey, guys. Easy with the head butts next time.

Broncos receiver Brandon Stokley suffered a concussion Sunday after he took three sets of blows to the head. The first was after he made his first catch for 4 yards on the Broncos’ opening series.

On the next play, Stokley caught an 11-yard touchdown pass from Jay Cutler and took some more cranial abuse.

“On the touchdown, I got head-butted a few times from teammates,” Stokley said. “So that didn’t help.”

Stokley left for good early in the second quarter. He had just made a 14-yard reception and was touched down by Jacksonville safety Brian Williams. Stokley got up, started walking to the sideline — and collapsed to his knees.

“I kind of lost my equilibrium,” he said.

Stokley got up and returned to the sideline but didn’t return to play and still was foggy Monday. If it was his first concussion, Stokley would have a good chance of playing in the Broncos’ next game Monday night at New England. But as far as Stokley can recall, it was concussion No. 8 or 10. His playing status for the Patriots will be, at best, questionable.

“I don’t want to be a liability out there,” he said. “And I don’t want to be a vegetable when I’m 50. But if there’s any way possible, I’ll be out there playing.”

Stokley suffered a concussion last year in Game 5 against San Diego, but he didn’t miss playing time because there was a bye the next week. He said he has suffered three major concussions, the first playing for Southwestern Louisiana (now Louisiana-Lafayette).

“But back then, I got knocked out and couldn’t remember the score at halftime and what was going on, but they just threw you back in there in the second half and you played,” Stokley said. “Times have changed, thank goodness, for the better.”

The NFL collectively started taking concussion injuries much more seriously during the 2006 season. Broncos starting left guard Ben Hamilton missed all of last season with a concussion. The Broncos announced during the game Sunday that Stokley’s return was “probable,” but that may have been gamesmanship — the receiver watched the rest of the game from the sideline with a parka hood pulled over his head.

“Every team has the same protocol now dealing with concussions,” Stokley said. “It’s a good thing, because if it wasn’t for that, guys would just go back in and play.”

********

dude, you seem like a nice guy. please retire so you can make it to 50. and not be vegged out after that.

Posted under duh! journal
Oct-9-2008

from the pages of duh!journal:not so funny palin lines for tina fey

duh!journal scours the earth for dumb behavior….some low brow…some high minded…all duh!

and sometimes we get a story that is duh! and scary…..

tina fey has been writing some great stuff, as well as using palin lines verbatim, for laughs. here’s a scene unlikely to make snl.:

from the nytimes:

“This is not a man who sees America as you see it and how I see America,” Ms. Palin has taken to saying.

That line follows passages in Ms. Palin’s new stump speech in which she twists Mr. Obama’s ill-advised but fleeting and long-past association with William Ayers, founder of the Weather Underground and confessed bomber. By the time she’s done, she implies that Mr. Obama is right now a close friend of Mr. Ayers — and sympathetic to the violent overthrow of the government. The Democrat, she says, “sees America, it seems, as being so imperfect that he’s palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.”

Her demagoguery has elicited some frightening, intolerable responses. A recent Washington Post report said at a rally in Florida this week a man yelled “kill him!” as Ms. Palin delivered that line and others shouted epithets at an African-American member of a TV crew.

Posted under duh! journal, politics
Sep-20-2008

from the pages of duh! journal: university of VA bans signs

duh! journal scours the earth for dumb behavior….some lowbrow…some high minded….some mindbending…..but all duh!

for those of you who thought that china was nuts on censorship….below, rick reilly of espn.com details the university of virginia’s silly(duh!)plan to ban signs at all sporting events. a simple google will yield further outrage and anaylsis from others….but just not as funny.

Do you miss Beijing? Are you pining for some good ol’ fashioned totalitarianism? Enjoy seeing any small voice squashed like a ladybug under a Hummer?

Then come to the University of Virginia!

At Virginia a new rule bans signs of any kind at all sporting events, including football and basketball.

Not advertising signs, of course. Not “Beer: $8” signs. Not “Give to the Virginia Scholarship Endowment” signs. No, only signs about Virginia teams, such as the one then third-year bio-medical engineering student David Becker held up at last year’s Duke football game, which read, “Fire Groh!” That’s Al Groh, the Virginia football coach who always manages to beat the Davids, but rarely the Goliaths.

“No signs,” the gendarme told Becker in taking away the sign. Becker asked why. Nobody knew. So he made another sign, this time smaller, thinking maybe it violated some kind of size-limit rule. They took that one, too. Becker asked why again. “Word from the athletic department,” the guard said. So he wrote “Fire Groh!” on a sheet of notebook paper. The guard took that, too, saying signs of a negative nature weren’t allowed and that if Becker wanted to go for one more, he’d gladly pitch him out under an “exit” sign.

THIS IS UN-AMERICAN. THIS ISN’T HAVANA. WHAT’S NEXT? NO YELLING? NO GRUMBLING? NO HEAVY SIGHING?

Now—no signs at all, pro or con. At Virginia! The nation’s first secular university! Founded by Thomas Jefferson himself in 1819! Framer of the constitution! Champion of “certain inalienable rights,” like free speech! The man who once wrote: “A little rebellion now and then is a good thing”!

Who, exactly, is Virginia protecting here? Groh? The man can handle himself. After all, he was once the head coach of the New York Jets.

“Seems odd,” says former Virginia star and current Bucs cornerback Ronde Barber. “You’d think if there was one university that would stand up for free speech, it’d be Virginia. When I was there, the signs were really clever.”

I’ll go farther than that. I’ve covered plenty of games where the only clever part of the game was the signs. College football without signs is like pretzels without salt. Who can forget these signs from last season?

“WE WANT A NEW CARR WITH LES MILES!”—Michigan fan

“KANSAS FOOTBALL: A TRADITION SINCE SEPTEMBER!”—Jayhawk fan

“IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE NOT A CORNHUSKER”—Colorado fan vs. Nebraska

Or, my favorite sign of all time in any sport, from a Bruins game in the ’70s: “JESUS SAVES AND ESPOSITO SCORES ON THE REBOUND!”

Virginia’s athletic department says it instituted the policy to promote a “positive game-day environment.” Ugh. Sounds like some $150/hour therapist wrote that one. Someone with tissues in all their pockets and a “Ban Dodge Ball” bumper sticker on their car. Whoever wrote it doesn’t get this: 99% of sports signs are positive.

Can you imagine what Jefferson himself would’ve thought of this new jack-booted policy? True, he grew to rue freedom of expression a little toward the end of his life, since the press was hammering him on his long-time affair with one of his slaves, Sally Hemings. (This might be why, to this day, Virginia still doesn’t have a journalism school.) But I ask you: What’s the point of founding a free university if that university is going to tell its students what they can say?

For instance, how are Virginia students supposed to express themselves about the Cavs’ 52-7 home opener loss to USC last Saturday? White T-shirts and Sharpies? Sign language? Hats worn at an angry angle?

“That’s the thing,” says Robert O’Neil, director of the Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression, also in Charlottesville. “We don’t quite know what constitutes a sign. Paint on someone’s chest? A T-shirt? It’s not quite clear.”

One thing is clear. This is un-American. This isn’t Havana. What’s next? No yelling? No grumbling? No heavy sighing? How are students supposed to effect change at their school? Morse-code flashlights? And if they can censor students at the stadium, what’s to keep them from doing it on The Lawn?

And if we’re worried about a “positive game-day environment,” shouldn’t Groh be held to it, too? Remind me: What’s so “positive” about 52-7?

This Saturday, the Cavs play Richmond and they’ll be wearing special throwback jerseys. Seems superfluous. Virginia’s already a throwback. To 1775.

Here’s what Virginia students should do for every home game from now on: Bring signs that say nothing. Bring signs that say, “This Is Not a Sign.” Or bring 60,00 signs and let the athletic department goons try to sort them out.

Because sometimes rebellion isn’t just a good thing. It’s the only thing.

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how long before the school realizes that they have an unenforceable policy….and that this is making them look duh!

Posted under duh! journal
Sep-14-2008

from the pages of duh!journal….nyc subway stations are dirty!

from the nytimes: A study conducted by the Metropolitan Transportation Authority’s own advocacy organization for transit riders found that nearly half of the subway stations examined “need more attention,” and that the worst stations had decrepit conditions, including water damage, exposed wires, rodents, foul odors, clogged track drains and general filth.

………….you needed a study to tell you that????? read on!

While calling for additional state and city aid for mass transit — a difficult proposition given the current fiscal downturn — the study also made several proposals: imposing “station impact fees” on new developments built within a quarter-mile of a subway station; enlisting business improvement districts, which are financed by special property assessments, to help maintain stations; and creating an “Adopt-a-Station” program.

The findings, part of a 61-page report released on Wednesday, came as no surprise to many subway riders, as similar complaints have been made by the Straphangers Campaign and other advocacy groups. But they carry particular weight coming from the Permanent Citizens Advisory Committee to the authority, created under state law in 1981 as the official voice for riders.

The stations are not merely subway entrances, but “welcome mats” to neighborhoods, said the panel, which called its report “Unwelcome Mats: New York’s Subway Stations in Disrepair.”

The committee noted with dismay that New York City Transit, the arm of the authority that runs the subway and buses, announced on July 9 that it would postpone various capital projects, including planned renovations at 23 subway stations, because of budget pressures.

In response to the report, New York City Transit issued a statement saying that the effort to keep stations in decent shape was “challenging, ongoing and one of our top priorities.”

The agency said that the new managers appointed to oversee the No. 7 and L lines — as part of an experiment to manage all aspects of subway operation by line — were working to analyze how best to improve stations. The agency also said that it had proposed a $71 million fund to address station infrastructure problems immediately, rather than waiting until a station is due for a full rehabilitation, which can take years to schedule.

For the study, the members and staff of the New York City Transit Riders Council, an arm of the advisory committee, inspected 50 of 422 stations and station complexes late last year and early this year. The sample represented stations from the most heavily trafficked to the least used.

The report said that 23 of the 50 stations had ratings below 70, on a scale of zero to 100, and therefore were “in need of attention.”

The report identified the five worst stations surveyed as Beach 90th Street on the A and Rockaway Shuttle lines in Queens; the 149th Street-Grand Concourse station on the No. 4 line in the Bronx; the 138th Street-Grand Concourse station on the Nos. 4 and 5 lines in the Bronx; the Jay Street-Borough Hall station on the A, C and F lines in Brooklyn; and the 103rd Street station on the No. 6 line in Manhattan.

Three of the stations had evidently never been renovated. The 149th Street station was renovated in 1992, and the 103rd Street station in 1984.

Four of the five worst stations, the report noted, were in sections of the Bronx and Brooklyn that are designated as economic development areas. The report said that the city’s “lack of participation” in maintenance had been “glaringly illuminated,” and it urged the city to do more.

The study found some signs of hope: A pilot cleaning program, started in 2007, appears to have significantly improved conditions at several stations.

from the gothamist.com:

Rats Boldly Swarming Subway Platforms

“People have seen them sitting on benches,” says Andrew Albert, an MTA board member and chair of the NYC Transit Riders Council. “From what riders have told us, they appear to be getting bolder.” That’s the subway rat population he’s talking about, which many commuters say is surging, at least according to an amNY article that’s teeming with great quotes. “Next thing you know the doors are going to open and one is going to come on the train with us,” one exterminator predicts.

Rats have been growing increasingly comfortable hanging out on subway platforms, with popular hot-spots including Chambers Street on the A, Jay Street-Borough Hall, West 4th Street, and Spring Street on the C – though rats who want to party on that exclusive platform have to agree to buy bottle. One theory is that increased interaction with people may, in a way, be domesticating the rats, or at least making them less fearful of humans. “They chase me to work,” says straphanger Yvonne Ouchikh. The MTA blames the rat boom on an increase in subway ridership that’s led to more litter.

Posted under duh! journal